


Over and over I fall for you, Over and over I try not to

by amnesiaL1996



Category: VICTON (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Fansite Jung Subin, Idol Heo Chan, Introspection, Jung Subin/Original Character, M/M, Mention of Jeon Somi, Mention of VICTON members, Online Romance, Photography, Photography Major Jung Subin, Strangers to Lovers, Subin-centric, fansite au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:41:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25143322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amnesiaL1996/pseuds/amnesiaL1996
Summary: "[...] That had been his clue or something like that, because he had taken out his phone and tried to adjust the zoom of the poor-quality camera installed in it to get a decent shot of all that beauty. Obviously he had failed, the picture slightly grained and the colours not even remotely sharp enough, but he had spent hours just staring at that first picture of Heo Chan he had taken, full of flaws and still perfect in its own way, until he had opened his desk’s drawer to get his old camera, feeling the familiar weight in his hands for the first time in ages and asking himself if he would have been able to do better with that."Fansite!Subin x Idol!Chan
Relationships: Bae Jinyoung/Lee Daehwi, Choi San/Jung Wooyoung, Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun, Choi Yoojung/Kim Doyeon, Heo Chan/Jung Subin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 58
Collections: Lucky 7 Victon





	Over and over I fall for you, Over and over I try not to

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt #249
> 
> Subin is idol Chan's most popular fansite, but despite always attending every event and having been recognized for his pics by the singer himself he never had the guts to actually meet him  
> That's it until his best friend forces him to a fansign and he finally finds himself face to face with the boy and oh maybe he's in love with him in more ways than he thought

**“Fanboys and fangirls are satisfied with looking from a distance. There’s no touching or holding involved. Because just looking at the person brings you happiness.”**

_– Her Private Life_  
  


The first time Subin had heard about Victon it was from some girls in his class. He remembered well that day – not only cause it had changed so much about his life – but also for the splitting headache they had caused him, gushing over the album one of them had sneaked in, clearly to brag about skipping school the previous day to have it signed. He only wanted to spend the lunch break in peace that day, so he had eventually gotten up, annoyed, to go outside and breathe some fresh air away from them. It was when he was passing by their desk, just a couple meters away from the door, that he had lowered the gaze and met the eyes of the guy on the open pages of the album photobook, sparkly and warm even in the still image, enchanting enough to make him stop on his way to take a better look. He remembered – far too vividly to not be embarrassed by it – his classmate asking him if he needed something with a wary tone (because, really, which high school boy would be interested in a boy group’s album if not for making fun of her?) and that had been enough to make him catch himself and go out like he had intended without a word, trying to forget the moment altogether. It had worked for a little, but when he had finished all of his homework that night he had suddenly remembered clearly the idol’s eyes, and before he knew what he was doing he was looking for his headphones to not bother his sleeping family and looking them up on YouTube to watch a video after another, until it had gotten too late to even keep his eyes open.

That night he had become a fan of the group and – as if he hadn’t had his own fair share of doubts before, when all of his friends started liking the school’s girls – Heo Chan, the gorgeous guy who had had the power of making him stop in his track, had been his gay awakening.

*****

Fast forward to some years later, Subin was frowning at his computer screen, mouse held tight in an hand and eyes focused to make sure he cut the picture just right, even going as far as ignoring the soft voices of VICTON coming from his airpods, when someone threw their bag on the chair opposite to him, knocking the table in the process and making his mouse move abruptly and ruining his careful work on the pic. He swore under his breath, hurrying to press on the undo button and save what he had done before some other disasters occurred, only then raising his head to glare at the newcomer from behind his glasses. Daehwi smiled at him unapologetic as always, sitting gracefully next to him while taking a sip from his cup of coffee, glancing quickly at the pc open in front of them.

“Are you still fixing these? Weren’t they already perfect last night?”

Subin brushed him off with an annoyed roll of eyes, closing his laptop and removing the earbuds for good measure to grab again his own coffee, probably the third or fourth of the day at least, and sighed in contentment as the caffeine woke him up just a little bit more.

“You are late”

Daehwi huffed, crossing his legs elegantly in a way Subin couldn’t imitate even trying, and leaned better on the cafe’s chair.

“Aren’t you going to ask why I am late?”

“Do I have to?”

“Yah, Subin-hyung!”

Subin sighed, trying to mask the amusement he always felt while pissing the younger off because of how susceptible he was, and then asked with a sing-song tone:

“Why are you late, Sallhwi? ~”

“Aish, you’re so annoying” the other complained again, but still put down his cup to turn and open his messenger bag, taking a plastic bag from it and handing it to him carefully while he kept mumbling under his breath “I’m seriously too nice with you all, you don’t deserve anything of what I do for you…”

“What’s this?” Subin interrupted his monologue, inspecting the package resting on his lap. The colourful bag was familiar, belonging to a popular music shop in a fancy district pretty far from their college, too far for Daehwi to casually drop there by chance, but the other brushed it off with a single hand gesture.

“I had to buy something for Jinyoung’s birthday and just happened there so – wait, open it first!”

He nodded at that then, carefully unwrapping the object inside and missing a beat at recognising the ocean blue cover of the album. He had two other copies just like that one at home – and four more of the other versions of it – but he still jealousy pulled it closer to himself, looking up at his friend with a small smile.

“Where is the catch?” he still joked, the other smiling back and rolling his eyes.

“No catch, they just had the poster of this weekend’s fanmeeting on their shop window and I thought just…why not?”

He hummed only, putting the album on the table to unwrap it from the clear protection film.

“You know I don’t do those though”

“And _you_ know I think that’s so stupid”

And of course Subin knew, because if Daehwi was nice and kind, more caring that you would take him for, he was also loud about his opinions on everything.

After all, that was how they had first met: in that same café, back on their first year of college, when the younger kid had looked over at his computer from the next table and had commented on the quality of the pic he was working on and how “that filter looks totally unaesthetic on it, please remove it now”. Subin had felt his cheeks burn at being caught retouching an idol’s image at his age and gender, but, while he was figuring out how to run away with the heavy camera and laptop, the guy had introduced himself and started chatting away in that enchanting way that was so indistinctly Daehwi, and before he knew it they were sharing a table and the boy was checking the other pics on his camera’s folder while his boyfriend mumbled apologies about them intruding.

Soon after he had found out Daehwi had been a trainee for some years in a minor company and had eventually given up on that career when his company had proposed he participate in a survival show that just seemed like hell. At the time he had met his other half, Jinyoung, not long before, at a Twice concert, and the possibility of being judged by the whole nation and forced to get rid of him apparently hadn’t seemed at nice as enrolling college and live a quieter life as an average student. Sure, he had very few of an “average” person in him and anyone could say he was born for being an idol, but Subin had been his friend for a little over 2 years now and was sure he was content with how his life was.

The positive thing of having an “almost-been-an-idol” best friend was that he, for sure, didn’t judge him for being a fanboy: on the other hand, he was the one who had to sit through torture (aka his high pitched screech) when they had managed to get him two tickets to see his and Jinyoung’s favourite girl group on their anniversary and all of the times they dropped a new video. Also, the guy had such a talent for befriending literally anyone that, in a couple of months since they had met, him – shy and solitary Jung Subin – could say he had a full, chaotic and colourful group of friends, most of them kpop fans as well and, for a couple of them, fansites’ masters… just like him.

Subin had started taking pictures as soon as he had been able to hold a camera in his hands, one of those colourful things that looked way more like a toy than an actually working camera, and had obsessed over that passion through all his childhood. His parents probably had full – embarrassing – albums of his “masterpieces”, crooked shoots of his sisters and their dog with the occasional feature of his clumsy fingers on the lens, that showed the years go by, to abruptly stop when he had started middle school. Not even he could say why he had actually given up: it was like one day he was himself, liking the things he had always loved, and the next he was so stressed about school and new classmates and his confused sexuality that everything else had started to feel dull, everyone drifting away.

He had started taking pics again thanks to Victon as well, some time at the beginning of senior year, on the day in which he had managed to attend a public fanmeeting for the first time. He wasn’t even inside the fanmeeting, just standing some meters away from security, but he could still feel his heartbeat run a bit too much at the thought of seeing them – him – in real life and not through a screen, even more when they had actually walked in and their main dancer had smiled, all dimples and crinkling eyes. That had been his clue or something like that, because he had taken out his phone and tried to adjust the zoom of the poor-quality camera installed in it to get a decent shot of all that beauty. Obviously he had failed, the picture slightly grained and the colours not even remotely sharp enough, but he had spent hours just staring at that first picture of Heo Chan he had taken, full of flaws and still perfect in its own way, until he had opened his desk’s drawer to get his old camera, feeling the familiar weight in his hands for the first time in ages and asking himself if he would have been able to do better with that.

It had started like that, just one faulty picture taken with his shitty phone, and in a few months he had a shiny new agenda – jealousy hidden from his parents – for all the public events of the K-Pop group that wouldn’t crash with his studies and a twitter account with just 300 followers for his unedited pics. When the following year he had started college, it had been with a graphic design major focusing on photography and a double room in the dorm with an insufferable roommate that at least allowed him to come back more rarely than what his parents would have accepted. In less than 2 years, he had a new professional camera and a decent program to retouch the images – and most of all the skills to take and publish better photos – and he had seen the numbers of his followers both on the SNS and on his blog growing steadily, until the day Daehwi had suggested he sold his own merch to make something out of it. To his surprise, people really liked his pics enough to spend money on him, and his small crush on an idol had turned into a side job that kept him awake too many nights and ruined his sight but that he actually liked. His only flaw, according to those who followed him and his work, was that he never attended closed fansigns, certainly missing out on endless cute pics of the idols playing together and wearing cheesy headbands.

The fact was, he had tried to explain to Daehwi at the beginning of their friendship on an evening in which he had had just a bit too much to drink, that he had tried, not long after clumsily starting all the pictures’ thing. In a stroke of luck, he had managed to get inside the fansign with just the single copy of the album he could afford as a birthday present for himself, and he had followed there a fellow fansite master he had met months before, trying to distract himself from the nervousness just for a moment by asking her how to set the camera properly, until the moment to actually line up to meet the group had arrived and his legs had turned into jelly, his stomach twisting sickly until he had felt so bad – his anxiety suffocating him at the mere thought of interacting with his idol and possibly ruining it all – he had ended up leaving before his turn could come. After that he had attended every concert, music show and festival, building his “fame” a schedule after the other, but he had never tried to attend a fansign again or pushed himself to get too close to the boys. Even like that, sometimes he had felt Chan’s eyes on him, his pictures proving that he had managed to find his camera among many to smile at the lens, that being too much already for his sanity and making him confirm that he could never be able to interact with him.

*****

Except this time Daehwi didn’t seem to have any intention of letting it go: he had barged in his dorm at an unholy hour – 9 am but well, he may have gone to bed at dawn that morning, too giddy for the Victon’s first win of the era to really fall asleep and too focused on rewatching any reality show they ever did – a couple of days later to slam his phone in his still very sleepy face, announcing him he had won a slot at the fansign and he was going, whether he liked it or not. What’s worse, Daehwi had convinced their whole group to support him on his mission, so that, when they had found themselves at their favourite – cheapest – diner on Friday night as usual, Subin had been flooded of “you have to go!” “you can’t really miss this chance!” and had started regretting ever getting social enough to have friends at all.

“Why shouldn’t you go again?” Yeonjun asked while munching on one of his boyfriend’s chips in a pause between Daehwi’s monologue. Out of all of them, he was the only one who wasn’t a fanboy – if you didn’t count the occasional staring at Park Jimin cause, like he said, he was only human – but somehow he had found himself stuck between an over dedicated army (his boyfriend) and one of the most extra fansites Subin has ever met (his best friend) and eventually in their group of friend, He was definitely cool and used to their world, often going with them at festivals and events and just tuning their conversations out to play with his phone when they got too excited for him to handle, but sometimes he just couldn’t grasp the way they all cared so deeply about people so distant from them as idols, no matter how many times they tried to elaborate or how much Soobin got pissed telling him “Kim Seokjin was much more than a singer to him”.

“I…” he started, trying to come out with a compelling argument that could make the subject drop instantly, but instead he found himself at loss of words, incapable of describing the way he felt so insignificant and small in presence of a someone he admired so much, just mumbling a weak “He makes me nervous” when he met Daehwi’s frown.

“So? It’s not like you have to talk with him for hours or what, just go there and make him sign your album and most of all take some pics, look” Hwi scooted closer, showing him some screenshots from his phone “See? Everyone in the comments say you’d be the best Victon fansite _if only you went to fan signs_ ” he shook his head, putting down his phone after presenting him with his proofs “Do you think I wasn’t nervous when I first met Jihyo noona? I mean she’s a GODDESS, even I felt ugly sitting in front of her”  
“You’re everything but ugly” Jinyoung, the ever supporting boyfriend, butted in, gaining a giggle and a soft peck on his lips and, as usual, rolls of eyes by all the others, those two having the power of making even the taken ones feel single.  
“Going back to Subin” Doyeon intervened before they could get too cheesy, looking at him with her everlasting soft smile “You’ve been to a fan sign just once ages ago and this would seriously be good for you, are you sure you don’t want to try? Plus, I’m coming too, you won’t be alone… what could go wrong?”

*****

To be honest, in his mind, Subin had a lot of answers to that questions. Dozens actually, since he had written down a list of them that night when he couldn’t sleep, nervousness pushing the tiredness away and making him stare at the ceiling for long hours before he had managed to close his eyes, not long before his alarm rang.

The problem was, though, that when the previous evening he had found himself looking back at his friend, the rest of the group staring expectantly at him, and nothing convincing enough had come to his mind, making him eventually cave in and accept to attend the event that morning.

He liked to tell himself it had been the beer – the single glass he had ordered with his hamburger – that had made him tongue-tied, but he knew better, and not only because he could hold his alcohol better than that. Deep inside, he knew a part of him yearned to go and see his idols from up close, a part he had shut down for a long time, but the anxiousness still kept close to him, threatening to suffocate him once again.

If the night had been hellish, though, when the morning had come and he had left his dorm room to grab coffee at the cafe down the street, things had improved.

The first time he had tried to go, and actually all of the times he had found himself a little bit closer with the group, Subin had realised, he had been alone, his mind being able to repeat his list of insecurities over and over again, but being with Doyeon had made him calm down almost instantly, making him able to start chuckling a bit too loudly on the escalator toward the metro.

Despite the two of them not being the closest in the group – far from it, considering his shyness and how reserved she was as well – Doyeon was definitely one of his favourites in the weird team he had found himself brought in. She was quiet and calm, the kind of person you could easily converse with or just sit comfortably at the same library table studying. Also, she was as far as she could be, in personality, from her girlfriend, who was, just like Daehwi and Wooyoung, a ball of too much energy confined in a too small container and had the incredible power of making you lose your hearing for an hour or so if you had the misfortune of being next to her when a new picture of Kim Taehyung was released. Doyeon, on the other side, was the chilliest fangirl out of all of them, supporting steadily her favourite group, ASTRO, and some other artists she liked more casually without getting at their levels. Maybe it was the fact that she had been modelling since she was a kid and was used to being surrounded by people just as gorgeous as idols being one herself, but for sure, she was the best person he could ask for to keep him grounded that day.

“How are you feeling?”

They had just got in line to get in, Subin starting to play nervously with the strap of the camera’s bag and nodding at the other fansites he had gotten to know with time (ignoring how they had huddled up after seeing him there for the first time), when she had asked him that question, calling him back from his thoughts once again.

“I think I might puke”

Doyeon chuckled at that, holding on his arm in a reassuring gesture.

“You won’t puke, you’re just nervous now but it’ll be fine… I told you they’re super nice right? Last time I came to see them Sejun even remembered me and asked me about college”

“Who wouldn’t remember your face Yeon-ah” he forced himself to make a small smile, trying to ignore the few meters between them and the security “One of these days people are going to start taking pics of you”

“Talking about pictures… are you ready for your fans to go crazy?”

“Not ready but… it’s too late to say no right?”

And with a last smile from the girl he made the last stop and gave his ID to the guy on the door, pushing away the thoughts about how close the centre of his life was and how even closer they were about to be.

*****

All Subin could say about the minutes after entering the hall for the fansign was that time suddenly felt like it was flowing differently. Or maybe it was just him, feeling like stuck in a giant bubble that made him perceive reality so distant, sounds reaching him late and muffled and images moving slowly all around him.

He had gotten in without problems, Doyeon quickly taking his arm again to keep him grounded (which was honestly extremely grateful for, no matter how more useless it seemed as minutes slid away), found his place to sit and gotten his camera ready just in advance, even if they weren’t allowed to take pics for the first part of the event anyway. And, despite of being aware of that, when the guys had taken the small stage he had felt the urge to lift it, his hands itching from it, as if only by seeing them through the lens he could be sure that they were there, that he was there, and all of that was actually happening.

Doyeon had rested an hand on his just in time to stop from doing anything stupid, smiling briefly at him while the six members greeted them all and chatted a bit, just a couple of minutes before sitting behind the long table, the infamous cue for them to line up again.

Subin held tight on his album and present while the people in front of him sat one by one, the podium of the hall getting closer at every step he was pushed to take. For some reason, today Chan was the latest to meet each fan that day, and he wasn’t sure if that was a good or a bad sign thing: if on one hand he could talk with all the members before his brain shut off completely, on the other his anxiety had the chance to slowly build up while he moved chair by chair to reach him.

Or so he thought, while he sat down, urged by a member of the staff, and smiled back shyly at a bubbly Byungchan. With the guy’s bright chit-chat and his light laughter while they exchanged some words over the sticky note he had put on his page (no matter how sober he had been the previous night he knew he and his friends weren’t sober enough when they had discussed over the questions to ask the members during dinner), he had managed to calm down to smile brightly at Seungsik when he had been asked to move to the next member, making the older coo at him instantly. Then it had been the turn of Sejun, who had thanked him for being one of the few boys attending, and of a short discussion with Hanse over which one of his tattoos he liked better, and by the time he had sat in front of Seungwoo he had been too engrossed in their conversation about what food they should eat after the event to pay too much attention to the spot right next to him.

Then the manager had told them all to move again and in the moment he had taken place properly and raised his head it had been like someone had knocked the wind right out of his lungs. Someone with a pretty smile and deep dimples who was looking at him with a gentle gaze, waiting for him to hand his album and completely unaware of the way his heart seemed to be wanting to jump out of his chest.

“Hi! Wanna give that to me?” his voice, too familiar for someone he had never properly met before, pushed him back on Earth again, making him push the album over the table, eyes now fixed on anything but the idol’s face.

“It-It’s the red sticky marker” he managed to mumble, getting another crooked smile that only made him a little bit more dizzy, before taking a deep breath and lifting the present he had held tight against his stomach the whole time to push it next to his album as well “And I brought this for you”

Chan looked at the paper gift bag a bit surprised, as if he wasn’t used to receive tons and tons of presents from fans at events just like that one, putting down the marker to take it and peek inside.

“For me? Can I see now?” the other guy nodded, feeling his heart pulse in his throat while he looked at his pretty hands (hands of which, he had to admit, he had taken pics too many times for his sanity) take the photobook out of its bag and instantly open it to take a look.

That night, when he had gone home from their group’s dinner, Subin had been struck with the realisation that he didn’t have anything to give to his idols, his anxiety already trying to hold on that excuse to question his attendance once again. Then his eyes had fallen over the pretty photobooks on the shelf under his albums, the ones left from the bunch he had printed and sold for Chan’s latest birthday, and an insane idea had come to his mind: how else could he express his admiration for him than by showing his pictures?

It had seemed so perfect, the tiny book including all his favourite snapshots of those years spent as a fansite, but now that the idol held it in his hands, looking at the pages that portrayed hours and hours of work, it suddenly didn’t anymore. What if he thought of him as a weirdo? A male fansite and one that never attended fansigns, who wouldn’t have thought he had something to hide, that he was a creep, a-

Chan smiled, dimples appearing instantly at that, still flipping on the thick pages.

“I knew you looked familiar! I saw you before while taking pictures that’s because”

“You…you remember me?” the question came out probably as sceptical as he felt, making the singer nod without taking his eyes off the pictures.

“Yeah of course, I don’t have many guys among my fansites, none of us do to be fair, and you’re-” he stopped abruptly, his expression sobering up a little while he held up the single postcard picture that had just slid out of the book. That had been an impulsive decision taken right before going out, a print of his very first picture, the imperfect one that had made him start that all and that mattered the most even with all its imperfections, but that in that moment seemed so ugly and wrong in the middle of the perfectly cured photobook.

He almost felt like asking it back, saying it was a mistake, but then Chan put it back between the pages carefully, keeping it there under his eyes while he went back to his album and the sticky note on it. For a second it looked like his gaze wandered between the photo and the question on the bright post-it, until the idol wrote down a brief answer and raised his head to smile at him once again, somehow more warmly than before.

“What name do I have to write here?”

“Subin it’s…Subin”

“Subin” Chan repeated, signing the open page prettily and closing the album to hand it back to its owner just as the staff asked for them to move on once again.

“Thank you… I hope you can all finish promotions healthily” he then said hastily, the small bow of his head being interrupted by a warm hand on his own on the cd, his breath stopping once again.

“Thank _you_ ” and with those words in mind Subin got up feeling giddy and light-headed like never before.

*****

Somehow after that his album went forgotten inside his messenger bag, him being one of the last in line meaning that as soon as he had recovered himself the moment for pictures had begun, making him too eager to take as many pics of Chan as he could to open it again. And the fact that it had felt like the idol had looked right into his camera while doing his prettiest pose hadn’t helped him stop pressing on the buttons of his machine taking a shoot after the other, until the boygroup – too soon – had said its goodbye.

Doyeon had then started asking about the shoots of Sejun he had taken – a little present for her support – while they slowly approached the staff to get back the presents, something he had heard of but never actually seen. All the disappointed people in front of him made his gut clench, sure that after Doyeon’s pretty flower crown he was going to get back his photobook, but when that didn’t happen he slowly started to release that maybe, just maybe, Chan had liked that. At least he had kept it, a thought that made his insides get warm all over again and forced Doyeon to pull him out of there toward a fast food nearby.

Only when they had sat there waiting for their lunch and the girl had opened her album to read her own post-its out loud to him, Subin had suddenly realised he hadn’t even spared a glance to his own, something that somehow, he felt he should do alone.

He had then waited for his friend to go to the bathroom to take it out of his bag, ignoring the colourful markers to reach the red one and open the photobook on the pages that mattered the most while holding his breath, his heartbeat only getting faster once he laid his eyes on the messy handwritten on them.

On one page, in fact, other than sign he had seen so many times there was a short sentence, just “To Subin, thank you for being here”, while on the sticky note, under his own “What makes you the happiest?” the written said “Being seen as I really am”.

And, somehow, they both seemed to hold way too many meanings, something that only Subin and Chan could understand and share, for no one else to see.

*****

“I am expecting you to say I was right Jeong Subin” Daehwi crossed his arms to his chest, his usual expression “I told you so” well plastered on his face.

“I bought you coffee, didn’t I?” he replied without missing a beat, not even moving his eyes from the computer screen and the pic he was editing. It seemed like a common afternoon at their usual cafe, just like the one during which they had met barely a week before, but somehow so many things seemed to have changed.

Just to tell something, he had missed Inkigayo the day before, something that hardly ever happened, because he was too exhausted and proved by the emotions of that Saturday to attend the show’s pre-recording so early in the morning, and even if he had to see his group perform only on the old TV in his bedroom at the dorm he had managed to keep his good humour for the rest of the weekend, getting a very odd look by his roommate that morning when he had woken up early and smiling on a Monday.

Also, there was the fact that he had posted the previews for his first private fansign’s pics the night before and his notifications had blown up with way too many people asking for him to drop summer merch of that soft prince Chan, and the sticky note inside his wallet, right where he could see it the whole day when he pulled out money or his cards to make him feel giddy all over again.

Sure, he had been informed he had barely a month to turn in his pictures if he wanted a chance to be featured in the university’s exhibition for his major, but not that even that piece of information had been able to ruin his mood and he had no intention to let a sulky Daehwi do that just yet.

“Hyuuung”

“I…didn’t hate it, are you happy now?”

“You’re all smiley today, ‘didn’t hate it’ is not even remotely close to the truth, I am sure of that”

Subin let out a laugh, grinning cheekily to his friend from above the screen.

“Maybe, but you won’t hear it from me anyway! Don’t you have a boyfriend to harass now?”

The younger guy shook his head, moving closer to talk to him with a serious expression like they had to share the most important secret of the world.

“So…how was he?”

And there it was, the question he had expected from him (and kinda from everyone else) from the moment Doyeon had texted the group chat that the event was over and that he had no answer for.

He had never been good with words to start with, but how could they expected to describe _him_?

“Kind… he was nice” he mumbled, his eyes lingering on the smile on his laptop’s screen like that could really help him find a way to elaborate some more “And you already know he’s good-looking, he was at concerts as well”

“That’s it? Gosh, you really are boring… but hey” he stopped for a second, smiling sincerely at him “I’m really glad you went and have fun, maybe now you will attend more for the next comebacks”

“We’ll see I guess”

Daehwi shook his head once again, a dramatic resigned expression on while he got up, taking his stuff and his Americano with him.

“And then you all dare to say I am the stubborn one… Now, if you don’t mind, I really have a boyfriend to spend quality time with, not annoy”

Subin smiled at him, waving briefly as his exited the cafe before he put on his earbuds and started his playlist, going back to focus on the editing program in front of him.

Soon enough, though, his eyes started to hurt, forcing him to close the computer and pack his things to go back to the dorm, taking out his phone while he took an empty seat on the desert bus that headed home.

He scrolled through the Instagram feed for barely a minute before getting bored of his sister’s manicure and his classmates’ dinners and moving to his personal account on Twitter, checking out the latest news and charts updates, retweeting some Chan’s cuts of the latest radio interview and liking San’s over-dramatic tweets about some evil assignment.

Just then he switched account to his fansite one, sighing out loud (and earning a weird look from the woman sitting in front of him) at the number of notifications he had to check out, a quick glance at his stop approaching making him decide to put off that task for later.

Only after dinner (if the instant ramen he had eaten while watching Victon’s variety on YouTube could be defined as such) and getting into bed, he retrieved his phone, scrolling uninterested between the hearts and retweets and trivial comments to then open the message requests. There were a lot of the usual ones, people asking the price for this or that merch or other fansites proposing a collaboration, and Subin made a mental note to reply to them all in the morning, too tired in that moment to think about numbers or else. The idea was certainly to call it a night already, but then a new dm popped up, catching his attention right away for how unusual it looked among the others.

It was just a simple “Hi.”, nothing much, but he usually didn’t get many of those so he opened it, accepting the request and typing back a just-as-simple “Hello”, curious of the reasons behind that single text.

For some long moments nothing happened and Subin lie down yawning at the unmoving screen, until the blue ellipsis appeared for a couple of seconds and then disappeared again. The guy watched confused as the same thing happened again and again, four or five times, then – while he was about to turn off his phone and give up – finally a message showed up on the screen.

_I saw your pictures, I think they’re gorgeous_

“Thanks, I guess” he replied, a bit weirded out by the sudden compliment.

The tiny blue dots showed up again, this time for longer before a new sentence replaced them.

_You seem to like Chan and Victon a lot… I am actually a new fan and it may seem weird to you, but would you mind helping me get to know them better? I’d like to hear from someone who loves them a lot_

Subin sat up at that, suddenly way more interested in the conversation and awake, while he typed back to the account.

_Sure! Is there anything you want to know first?_

He pressed sent, hesitating for a second before opening the other’s account to see what it was like out of curiosity. Unfortunately, it was on private, making it impossible for him to see anything about his tweets, so he just scanned briefly the profile: the username seemed like a bunch of randomly pressed letters and numbers, “6v5c21h41”, while the name was an even more cryptic “-“. The only features who caught the attention a little bit more were the aesthetic pics (a pretty, somehow familiar, flower and a sunset on the city whose colours were just breath-taking) and the quote in the bio, that instantly seemed to speak to the boy in a way he couldn’t even explain himself.

He stared at it for a bit more before the ping of a notification startled him, making him go back to the conversation while those words replayed in his head: “Never let it be said that to dream is a waste of one’s time, for dreams are our realities in waiting. In dreams, we plant the seeds of our future.”

*****

“You seem in a good mood today”

“Hmm?” Subin turned toward San while they moved through the crowdy canteen toward their usual corner no one really cared about.

“You seem happy. Tired but yeah” the guy shrugged, laying down his tray on the table to sit down in front of him “Did something good happen? Other than THE thing of course”

Subin played absentmindedly with his chopsticks, a small smile appearing on his lips while he thought of the reason why he was both tired and perfectly content with it.

“Oh, so something _did_ happen!” His friend’s teasing tone brought him back to their lunch after just a couple of seconds of spacing out and he sighed, knowing the guy well enough after a couple of years of friendship to know it was better for himself to just start talking fast.

“Can you keep a secret?” he therefore asked looking at him over his bowl full of rice “I don’t want Daehwi to make a huge deal out of it, you know him”

“I can keep a secret with almost anyone” San lifted his left wrist, showing him the tattoo (the matching tattoo he got with this boyfriend, a cheesy “Always here forever” from their idols’ duet) on it in a clear gesture that made him smile a bit.

“Can you make sure he doesn’t talk then?”

“That can be arranged” his friend smiled at him, going back to his lunch before asking “So what is it?”

“I may have made a friend”

“Really? I mean… Sorry I didn’t want to sound so shocked I guess”

The guy shook his head, way more amused than offended by the other’s surprised tone.

“It’s okay, I know but… They’re nice”

And nice was definitely an understatement: in the past 4 days, since that first night when he had received that “Hi”, Subin had spent long hours every night discussing with that mysterious account until he fell asleep with the phone still held tight in his hand. It had started just with him talking about Victon and his favourite videos to watch and fansites to check out, but then the other had asked him how he had gotten into the group and soon enough it had become a discussion about the best eras and song, what worked in each mv and what they didn’t like at all, the conversation flowing free of awkward pauses and hitches. He had then realised then that, whoever that person was, talking with them felt nice like it hadn’t been in a while with a stranger, easy, and the idea of having found a new friend all by himself to share his biggest passion with had made the days more enjoyable in anticipation of their evening talks.

“Is it a boy, Jeong Subin?” San teased again and this time he almost felt like blushing, remembering how he had asked himself the same thing just the previous night, instantly getting embarrassed at the hidden implication of that innocent thought.

“I actually don’t know? We didn’t really talk about ourselves, we talked about Victon and their songs and videos… Is it weird?”

“Well you said you think they are nice”

“Yeah?”

“So you may be actual friends or internet buddies or whatever with them right?”

“I guess”

“Then you can’t really stay strangers, can you?”

His friend shot a glance at him while he hummed, unsure about agreeing with that. San was friendly and radiant, a whole sunshine that could cheer up everyone’s mood, but as for him, he wasn’t reserved and more on the wallflower side and the thought of losing this inkling of a friendship made him more uneasy than he should have normally been.

“But we have talked for just a few days… Wouldn’t that be weird?”

San put down his chopsticks to properly looking at him, expression unreadable as ever as he tilted his head to look at him and asked:

“Aren’t you curious though?”

And to that, Subin really couldn’t argue, preferring to sigh and lower his head than lying even to himself.

*****

In the end, Subin managed to coexist a whole weekend with his curiosity about the other, stopping himself from asking anything those nights when they had mentioned briefly the pre-recording of the weekend’s music shows and the other schedules fans were allowed to attend to.

On that Sunday night though, he had found himself biting at his lip and thinking while he stared at the screen and at 6v5c21h41’s last message (some casual comment about the outfits for Inkigayo) not sure of what to do.

He typed and deleted at least a dozen time before pressing send to stop himself from changing his mind, a simple “I’m Subin by the way” showing up on his side of the conversation immediately as he did so.

Just as it had happened almost a week before, the tiny blue dots appeared for a few seconds before stopping abruptly for one of the longest minutes of his life.

What if that was just too much? What if that person was not going to reply to him ever again and he had lost a chance to talk with someone out of his group of friends? Why did he have to be so socially awkward and-

“Hi Subin, I am Jun” his train of thoughts came to a sudden stop, his mind halting at the reply and most of all the name in it. Jun was a male name, right? It had to be, but just to be sure Subin started typing again, feeling almost shy in introducing himself at that moment.

_Nice to meet you Jun. I guess it’s obvious now (and it’s probably weird, lots of people get shocked or don’t like it) but I am a male fansite… Is it a problem?_

The reply this time didn’t take its time to arrive, soon followed by a couple more.

_It’s not a problem and it’s not weird, I don’t see why it should_

_Also, I am a guy too_

_How old are you Subin?_

_22, why?_

_Then you can call me hyung if you want :)_

And Subin would have lied if he had said that that little message had affected him more it should have, making him smile dumbly as his phone while he replied the next of many more messages for the day.

*****

_Cats or dogs?_

Subin averted his eyes from the book he was supposed to study (with poor results) as his phone lightened up at the new notification, unlocking it and smiling at the random question just receiving.

Some more days had passed and things had become just like that, the two of them asking random facts about each other and their lives in any free moment of the day, their conversation no more reserved to their K-Pop group and the late evenings. Of course he wasn’t stupid enough to reveal too much to a stranger online (someone who still hadn’t allowed him to follow him back and see his profile fully), especially with the pictures of the music shows already implying he lived in Seoul, but it was easy to trust Jun when they just seemed to get along so well.

Victon’s promotions had also ended, making his days pretty empty without shows or varieties or pictures to edit, and the guy had helped him stay away from the discontent that usually followed a new era, especially with the amount of work he had from university. Whoever said photography or any other arts’ majors were easy definitely had no idea what they were talking about, considering that it was the fifth afternoon out of five that week he was forced to sit in the library with most of his friends and still hadn’t even started thinking about his project for the exhibition.

The dm was at least a little treat in that dreadful noon, maybe even too much, because when he locked his phone again and turned his head he found Daehwi’s attentive eyes right on him, definitely suspicious of his behaviour.

“What?” he mouthed only, conscious of the librarian placing back some book on the shelves not far from them.

The other guy looked eloquently at his phone making him shake his head as if it was nothing important before going back to re-reading the same sentence of the page in front of him for the nth time.

Soon enough, a post-it entered his field of vision with just a few – accusatory – words on it.

“What are you hiding?”

“Nothing” he wrote and passed the piece of paper back, watching with the corner of his eye his friend snort silently and reply hastily.

“Please, I know better.”

“It’s really not a big deal”

“Then why is it a secret?!?!”

Subin sighed, playing with his pen a little before writing down the next sentence.

“I kinda met someone”

“You what?” Daehwi said out of loud – even too loud actually, some girls on the closer table instantly shushing them with deadly glares – and Subin grimaced at having to face that conversation he had gladly postponed.

“It’s just someone I met on stan twitter” he whispered as quietly as he could “We are friends”

“Is it a boy?”

“Who is a boy? Oh, Subin’s ‘friend’?” Wooyoung put the word in between quotes while he took place at the table next to them, San facepalming behind him while watching between his fingers Daehwi widen his eyes to exclaim.

“Did you tell him before me? I am your best friend!”

Some other shush (and probably insults if he had to interpret that mumbling) reached them, making him feel like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole even more, too much attention on him squirming on his seat.

“I didn’t really…It’s nothing!” he muttered again and Daehwi this time scoffed out loud, luckily not loud enough to bother anyone and eventually get killed in the college library.

“Yes, sure, cause that’s exactly how it seems”

“What do you mean?”

His friend shook his head, taking back his pen in his and looking down at his own book as if the fairly brief conversation was already over.

“Just figure out yourself, Bin hyung, just know that when you’ll realise it, I’ll owe you a ‘I told you so’”

Subin frowned but didn’t say anything, going back to study himself and ignoring the light buzz of his phone and the way the younger’s words had stuck in his head far too easily with all the possible implications that came with them.

*****

“Is everything alright?” another notification appeared on his screen, making him sigh and turn down his phone to ignore it like he had done in all the past hours.

It was almost midnight, way past the time he usually logged in on Twitter even before they started talking during the day as well, but with Daehwi’s sentence echoing in his ears, Subin suddenly felt uncomfortable talking with the guy. A part of him hadn’t stopped thinking about it the whole evening, concluding that he was, in fact, developing just a small crush on his new internet friend.

It wasn’t like he hadn’t had crushes before: celebrity crushes (aka Chan) aside, there had been the guy from the convenience store near his high school and then his tutor on the 1st year of college, and then he had definitely the two boyfriends he had had in the past years. Sure, in the end the guy from his art history class had been a total idiot when he had found out about his passion and the other fansite Wooyoung had set him on a blind date with had been way too obsessed with Park Jimin’s ass for him to feel comfortable continuing that relationship, but the point was that he had liked boys before and there wasn’t really nothing wrong in that small sparkle of feeling that there was with Jun. Actually, him being just someone he had to face through the internet made it even easier for him to handle it, being able to hide the redness of his cheeks in front of his crush or to avoid embarrassing scenes like tripping in his own feet and almost destroying one of the school’s best cameras. And even if his friends may worry for him, he wasn’t stupid enough to feed a creep’s fantasies or do any other thing that could put him in danger, his pretty wary nature being helpful at least for once.

He could handle it, absolutely, he thought to himself and finally took his phone back to open the conversation and start typing an answer to the latest question.

_Hey. Yeah, sorry, I was just busy. Awful evening._

“Is everything alright?” the reply appeared almost instantly and Subin tried to push back the warm feeling at the thought of Jun keeping his phone close waiting for him to text back.

_What do you think is a good theme for an art exhibition? Or a performance? You know, literature or painting or acting, whatever… If you had to express yourself in some artistic way, what theme would you pick?_

_Is it for an assignment?_

The guy unconsciously hummed at the question, writing down a “Yeah” before going back to glare at the dozen of google pages opened on his computer. He had been on that for the whole evening while he tried to distract himself from his feelings, hoping to find an inspiration while roaming online, with no result: everything seemed either plainly dumb or done way too many times, from “the expressions of love” to “the miracle of life”.

Despite him always being one of the best in his course, that was his first time being selected as a possible candidate for the university exhibition, one of the many and the most important events of the huge mid-year fair to introduce the courses to future students and their families. It was almost impossible to be picked as a freshman or a sophomore even just to submit an application, still incredibly difficult to pass the final screening as a junior, and Subin was incredibly honoured to have been given a chance for it, his talent being actually recognised from someone a bit more reputable than stan twitter. Unfortunately, this was still not enough for his brain to produce a decent idea, not when, for the first time in his college experience, he was given complete control on the topic and style he wanted to show, toward any story his creativity would lead him to.

His screen lightened up again, signalling a new dm on top of all the texts from his group chat he had been ignoring in hope of not getting distracted, his finger immediately finding it to open the notification.

_Honestly I would think about dreams_

His mind went instinctively to the quote the other guy had as his bio, about dreams and future, a beautiful idea but too abstract to catch in pictures in his hand.

“Dreams?” he therefore asked, hoping for Jun to elaborate on the thought.

_Everyone has their owns right? Whether is true love or music or any kind of passion, even a job or a house, a trip waited a whole lifetime… Everyone dreams of something for their lives, something that is hard to reach most of the time, for which you have to give your blood, sweat and tears but that makes you so happy each step of the way, no matter how difficult it gets, cause you’re doing it for yourself, to reach something, to reach your something and make your existence meaningful at least for yourself. Wouldn’t it be beautiful if only art could capture that? That mix of fatigue and happiness and self-realisation that comes with chasing your dreams… If I think about mine that’s how I feel: there are so many things I have to give up to because of it, and sometimes it takes too much, energy, effort, it strains me to the point it hurts and it makes me feel like giving up and trying to live a content plain life… but then I took a closer step toward my dream, I get to have a little taste of it and it feels like I’ve been repaid for everything. And suddenly there is nothing I could exchange for that dream cause my whole existence is made to pursue that_

Subin couldn’t help but stare for long seconds at that speech, feeling a slight lump in his throat at the way those words captured exactly how he felt every time he held his camera in his hands and he pointed it at something (someone) that inspired him, a concept he knew and had tried on his skin but never been able to express.

And the fact that Jun had managed to, the fact that they could understand each other about something like that… it was just like that that Subin knew that he was gone, with no other choice but liking that boy until the inevitable heartbreak.

“I get it” he started typing slowly, his hands slightly trembling at the emotion of the moment and the sudden realisation “I get it all, cause it’s what I feel for photography, when I hold my camera…then I’m complete and confident cause that’s my dream, that’s what I love.” He stopped, raising his head to look at the poster of Chan in front of him, the idol smiling brightly in it. “But to make it work I need something to inspire me, to make me feel like I need to catch right that, right in that moment.”

The blue dots appeared and disappeared intermittently for a minute, before being replaced by a just apparently simple question.

_Is that what Chan is for you?_

_Yes, he’s my muse? For how cheesy it may sound, it’s the closest definition I could find._

_Why him? How did you even become a fansite for him?_

Even after days of conversation about the most random topics, with Subin telling him about the time he almost broke his sister’s arm by accident and Jun talking about some friend from high school with a talent from getting in trouble, that was the most personal they’ve ever reached, a part of him that meant too much to share it with just anyone.

Except, Jun wasn’t anyone, especially not in that moment, not when he had felt the connection between that and, even if slowly and uncertainly, he started writing down his replying, trying his best to express himself for once in a lifetime with words and make the guy understand.

I have to admit it, at first I just thought he was pretty and talented, I saw his pics first and…he had something, but I couldn’t get much out of it. Stanning the group, seeing him perform, I started to catch a glimpse of that thing more, but I couldn’t see it properly until I tried to take a picture of him. I think, I’ve always thought that through the lens I could see better, more clearly, stopping the moment and all the details of it, things a human eye wouldn’t be able to catch all at once and that was one of the things I loved about photography, that and stopping a moment in time to never forget it just like it is. But with him it was like… amplified. He has a sparkle in his eyes, he has something while he perform… maybe it’s what we feel as well, I think it’s cause he loves dancing so much you can feel it when he’s on the stage, the way it makes him happy and complete but I swear… it’s so beautiful being able to catch such an emotion, it makes me feel complete

He bit his lip after pressing send, a part of him feeling way too nervous about getting judged because of this, scared of being seen as childish for having such an obvious crush on a idol he’ll never properly know.

But when a response came, so much later Subin had almost fell asleep, it only warmed his heart a bit more, making him fall asleep with a smile on his lips.

_You’re so talented Subin, Chan is so lucky to have someone like you admiring like this, understanding him like this. I’m sure you’re right and you’re the only one special enough to see right through him._

*****

Talking with Jun had switched something in him and when Subin had woken up the next Saturday morning and re-read their last messages, he had felt inspired like he hadn’t been since working on the photobook for his idol’s birthday.

He had opened the guy’s profile again after days, ignoring the small pain at the “Pending” button still unchanging, and copied down the quote on it, putting the piece of paper in the middle of his empty bulletin board. That, he had decided, was going to be his concept, the central idea to revolve his proposal around, and as he looked at it he suddenly felt like a thousand ideas filled his brain, ending up with him consuming almost an entire post-it pad to put them all down on paper and on the board, ready for him to revise them and pick only the best ones.

By lunch time he had an almost clear idea of the pictures he needed for every facet of his concept and the realisation that he had barely a fortnight to take them and send the final and edited version of them had made him text to all the people he needed instantly.

Only when he had settled the timer for his instant noodles he had retrieved back his phone to open Twitter, finding a new message from the account he was looking forward to.

_What do you think of ‘Where your eyes linger?’_

_Nothing, what is it? Is it a drama? It sounds like a drama title._

Surprisingly, it only took just about the same time for his lunch to be ready to get a reply, his phone buzzing loudly on the table for him to pick it up while he ate.

_Yeah it is, it’s a new drama. I was honestly pretty curious to watch for all the buzz it caused, and since I have a free day I thought why not?_

“What is it about?” he texted back, more interested in keeping that conversation going than on really any drama, and opened Naver, typing the title and almost choking on the cheap ramen when the poster for it loaded on the page, two _guys_ staring at each other lovingly right on it.

"Just two friends slowly releasing their feelings for each other mostly…with some unusual background story to make it cooler” the notification popped out and he opened it hesitantly, unsure of where that could lead or if he could really listen to the most hopeful part of him.

“Isn’t it the BL drama?” he replied as casually as he could, and the bubbles seemed to falter just like him before the next writing could appear.

_It is…is it a problem?_

Subin stared at the message intensely, like either it or his phone could tell him what to do now, weighting in his mind the pros and cons of the terrible idea he just had.

He was risking it all, he knew, but the anonymousness of internet and the fact that losing Jun so early in their friendship was rationally going to hurt less than later gave him the final push to ignore the long list of “reasons not to”.

_Of course, it doesn’t bother me. It really can’t since I’m gay. I mean…I like boys as well, why should it bother me?_

For a second, after pressing send, he regretted it, suddenly wishing Twitter could allow him to delete it for them both before the other could see it, even more when the blue tick appeared under it and no reply came.

He stayed more time than he was proud of just looking at his phone, waiting, but nothing happened and eventually he forced himself to go back to planning his project and studying, ignoring the ugly feeling in his stomach every time his phone buzzed just to be someone else.

He had almost lost all hope, comforting himself with editing more pics from the fansign, when the reply came in the late afternoon in a series of short messages.

_Me too_

_Not gay I mean_

_I like boys_

And, somehow, that changed everything, making Subin finally let space to the hope that whatever there was wasn’t just in his head.

*****

Unfortunately, though, there wasn’t much time for him to bask in fantasies and “what if” scenarios, not when life seemed to have suddenly started going fast-forward, time flying compared to the infinite list of things he had to do. For once, he was even glad his favourite group was on break and not releasing any kind of content, talking with Jun being the only luxury he could allow himself in between schedules.

Somehow, things haven’t become weird between them after the unexpected confessions to each other, the topic changing soon to something lighter and safer. A small part of Subin was disappointed by it, by the “lost chance” for things to change, and at the same relieved, not being able, in that moment, to dwell too much on the possible risks of a relationship bloomed online or what it could become. And perhaps, just subtly things had in fact shifted a little more, as he could see from the way they talked more about families and friends and dreams and inner thoughts when the night came.

In the span of one more week, Subin had learnt so much of Jun it was almost unbelievable he had no idea what his face was look, how his voice sounded or even just that barely less than a month before they were just strangers. He had so found out that Jun had an older brother he didn’t really see much, liked sports and BEAST, was often told off by his friends for being loud and talk too much and despite being pretty sociable he got embarrassed fairly easily. He knew his favourite colour and seasons and some of his memories from childhood or school and all that had made him just a bit more real in his mind, feeding his crush little by little to the point it wasn’t deniable anymore.

Actually, to the point where his change in behaviour had become noticeable for the people around him too until Jinyoung (among everyone the less obtrusive of them all) had asked him why he would post of the fansite account anymore.

It was such a simple question, placed casually in the conversation while they sat at the canteen waiting for the others to have lunch, but he had thrown him out of balance somehow, leaving him there to stare at his friend for long without a word for long moments.

“Is it everything okay? I didn’t mean to pry, really”

And of course the problem wasn’t Jinyoung’s question, not at all. The thing was that Subin just hadn’t even realised that he couldn’t remember the last time he had post new pictures or checked any new orders. Even when he had started editing the last shoots, he had left them there, some unfinished, the others still forgotten on his laptop for way too many days, like it had never happened not even when he had gotten sick.

It was a sudden realisation, someone that had actually probably built up day by day while he ignored it, but somehow, in that moment, being a fansite wasn’t just the centre of his life. In some way, the idol he had dreamed of so much had started fading from his mind, right after meeting him, just as he fell in love with someone else.

And no matter how the Subin of some years – even months – ago would have despised him, wondering how he could forgot the way admiring Chan had made him happy after a long time, pushed toward his career and meeting his friends, right in that moment it unexpectedly didn’t seem wrong.

Despite people’s usual believes, being a fanboy hadn’t been a childish hobby: it had made him introspect himself – questioning seriously his sexuality for the first time in his life, wondering about his hopes for the future – and it had given him something to look forward and to comfort him and drew a smile from him in the darkest day, something that could allow even an introvert like him to make friends he was comfortable with.

None of that could be deleted, sure, but while Chan had always been a face on the screen or at most someone too far away from him, not only physically, someone who loved his fans but didn’t love Subin as himself, while Chan wasn’t someone he could really know out of his stage persona, the image of a perfect idol built by a whole team of managers, Jun was real.

Not there yet maybe, still way more complicated to trust it completely, still far in many senses, but real nevertheless, in the way he listened to him and understood, in the way he made his days’ better with words reserved for him only and not to share with thousands of people just as faceless and nameless as him.

And right then, when he smiled at his friend telling he was just too busy at the moment, for the first time ever Subin asked himself if he was really going to continue on that path and with the hobby that had shaped him for so long.

*****

With so many things to do, working on his project had seemed to Subin like the ultimate purpose of his life and when it had ended it had left him so tired he had spent the whole weekend in bed catching up with sleep and dramas, his phone always at hand reach and his computer forgotten, with the excuse of taking a break from any kind of photography whatsoever.

Even Jun had asked him why he hadn’t posted in so long, receiving just that same excuse because in his bad mood he couldn’t deal with his “life crisis” (how Daehwi would have definitely described it if only he had known) too.

Bad mood, of course, because, when he had looked at his finished project after submitting it, suddenly a thousand of mistakes had seemed to appear, the whole idea behind it a bit too dull and childish certainly for the taste of his teacher.

When Monday had come, he had taken into consideration calling in sick and just don’t move from under the covers, until his phone had buzzed and he had frowned, still half asleep, finding an e-mail instead of the dm he expected.

He had needed to read that multiple times before he had finally understood its content, but in the end, he threw his phone on the mattress to get up and – even if he would have denied that to anyone – jump around the room.

He had gotten in. Surprisingly, especially for him, but he had managed to get himself one of the few spots at the exhibitions to show everyone – teachers, students, any possible visitor – his work, the result of his studies and talent.

It took him just some moments more to realise that if that was happening it was also because of Chan and Jun, the one who had gotten him interested in photography again in the beginning and the one that had given him the first idea for this project, and he instantly retrieved his phone, dwelling for a second on his Twitter’s home, undecided between opening the messages or a new tweet.

Soon enough he was typing fast on his screen, a smile on his face while his “I made it, I’m in” receive a long series of question marks in return.

_My assignment was to be selected for a photography exhibition at my university and I was picked and it’s… thanks to you, you gave me an idea_

Jun’s reply came fast, a string of congratulations that Subin didn’t really read, too busy trying to summon the courage to ask what he really wanted now that he had a chance.

_I think you should come_

The answer this time didn’t come instantly as before, but just for once he pushed himself to be bold enough to insist.

_It’s this weekend, it will be the whole weekend but I’m going to be there Friday night for the opening, from 6pm, at *** University… I really want to meet you_  
_Please_

_I’m not sure I can_

Those words hit him more than they should have, the disappointment building up in him just as quickly as the excitement had, suddenly not so thrilled about telling anyone else either.

He sighed, looking at the screen one last time before locking it and getting ready for classes, trying hard not to be too gloomy for how his hopes had been crushed way too quickly.

*****

After that, things had become weird between him and Jun: Subin had spent most of his time with his friends (who had celebrated him and managed to put a smile on him again) and ignored his phone for the first time in ages for a couple of days, and eventually the other guy had contacted him again, promising he was trying his best to attend.

That had made it all a little bit better, but the casual chitchats about their days had disappeared anyway, not helping the lump he felt in his guts, a mix of uneasiness and nervousness that reached his peek on Friday night.

When he had arrived to the exhibition’s hall, in fact, he had suddenly realised all that was going to happen on that evening: first of all, his works would be there for everyone to see and judge them, making him more insecure than ever, showing more parts of him and his life that he was really comfortable to. And then, there was the chance of finally meeting Jun, putting a face on the person he had grown to like so much he was starting to wonder if he was falling in love.

Despite all that he still tried hard to smile, when some teachers of his course approached him to ask about his idea, when his family embarrassed him by babying him even as a college senior, when his friends came one by one, running away from their own stands of the fair, to give him a congratulation and an hug.

He kept smiling until he was told they were about to close down the place and he turned to look at the white wall behind him, at the pictures next to the placard with his name. All the important people of his life were on that wall, dreams that ranged from love to family, career to hobbies to friendship, from a picture of his parents toasting on their last anniversary to his sister kissing the forehead of her first child, Daehwi and Jinyoung’s intertwined hands on a coffee table and Soobin singing with his eyes closed, Wooyoung dancing in the school’s practice room and San and Yeonjun studying hard in the library, a slight matching frown on their forehead, then Yoojung with her ARMY bomb and a huge smile, and Somi and Doyeon making cool expressions while pretending to model together. On a side, there was even a picture of Chan smiling at the audience at a festival, all dimples and eye crinkling, and a picture of Subin himself at the mirror, holding his camera to hide most of his face but not his smile. And in the middle of it all, there was a picture of a white canvas with Jun’s quote in Doyeon’s pretty handwriting, connecting everything and giving a sense to the whole thing.

And still, Jun hadn’t come.

Subin left the hall feeling the disappointment grow with a tint of anger, texting he was too tired at his friend’s invitation to go out and celebrate together, and instead opening his dms to type hastily a new message, changing it over and over again, in various levels of rage and sadness, until what was sent was the simplest of them all.

_You didn’t come._

As if he was waiting for that text, the blue dots instantly appeared, making him stop outside of the building to read the reply.

_I swear I tried, I did come but it was so crowdy I really couldn’t Subin_

_Why? What’s wrong with it?_

By now he had gotten to know Jun enough to understand when he hesitated in saying something, ellipsis coming and going for long seconds, but in that moment he was just so done with that whole situation he almost threw away his phone and walked away.

How could he believe he really went? How could he believe _he wanted to_?

His phone buzzed and when he unlocked it he found himself exhaling, not expecting to read that at all.

_I am close by, at the park next to the metropolitan station. Want to meet me now?_

*****

Subin knew what he was doing was extremely stupid.

Meeting a stranger, at night, in a park that was probably deserted was definitely the most stupid thing he had ever done or thought of doing. In his defence, he had at least texted his friends, telling them he was actually going for a walk there before going back to the dorm, and the most hopeful part of him kept trying to reassure himself reminding him that he knew Jun, no matter what, and that he was definitely not turning out to be a 40-something creep with serial killer tendencies.

He was still anxious, a mix of fear of having been lied for weeks and expectations, while he walked inside the park, following the path lit by the lampposts to approach a lonely figure sitting on a bench, its head down while he checked his phone and its face hidden by the hoodie pulled up.

It was definitely a young boy, though, a small reassurance that made him walk faster toward him, until the guy – probably hearing his steps approaching – raised his head and Subin stopped, his breath halting all the same.

“This can’t be real.” he mumbled more to himself than anyone else, loud enough for Jun to grimace, pushing down his hoodie while he got up and approached him.

No, not Jun, Chan. _Heo_ _Chan_ , the same idol he had loved and cherished for so long and that couldn’t just be there, in front of his eyes, that couldn’t absolutely be the same person he had talked with every night and day, sharing details about himself he wasn’t even sure all of his friends knew.

He suddenly remembered how he had told him about finally knowing for sure he was gay because of him, talked way too much about what he liked about him, about what he had meant, and also he remembered how on the last night they had really talked he had mentioned not being sure about continuing with the fansite, blaming schedules and adult life but hinting at growing out of feeling all the same.

Never in his life he would have imagined he was saying it all to the centre of his past fantasies and the embarrassment quickly prevailed the shock, making him groan out loud while he covered his face with his hand and looked down.

“This really can’t be it…”

“Subin.”

Hours spent imagining how Jun would have sounded like and then he was so familiar and soft, the same voice that not so long ago had said his name for the first time in a crowdy room surrounded while signing his album. It seemed like a whole lifetime had passed since that moment, and in some way it had, with all that had changed by that Saturday.

“How… How can it be you?” he finally managed to ask and Chan shifted his weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other, avoiding his gaze.

“Can we sit? I’ll explain I-“

“No.”

The idol just nodded, fitting his hands in his pocket and looking back at him and Subin found himself thinking that he was just as gorgeous as usual even with that awful light and no make-up at all, just a bit shorter than he had imagined him.

“I know I owe you explanations” he started, sighing loudly just right after “I… I saw your pictures, before the fansign, when I looked up myself online and they were… different, like you saw me differently, like you actually saw _me_ and not only my persona… Then you came and met me, gave me your photobook, and _that_ picture and I was… curious. But I couldn’t just tell you who I was, you get this right? I didn’t even know if I could trust you at first.”

The younger guy nodded hesitantly. Obviously he couldn’t help but understand how difficult was for an idol to get close with anyone out of the industry, he wasn’t so naïve to not realise how many people would have just send any information to the press or used him in some way. It suddenly seemed obvious also why the guy never let him follow him back, his account probably full of clues of his identity, way more obvious than the ones he saw only now like the name of his brother used as his own, or why he had seemed to hesitate before giving a certain answer about himself so many times.

Chan seemed to wait for him to talk, say anything, but when Subin didn’t he retrieved his phone and started typing something. Then he looked expectantly at him, while he felt his phone buzz in his pocket and took it out, pressing instantly on the notification of a new dm.

_I really suck at speaking out loud and I don’t think I could tell you like this_

_But I really like you Subin_

He felt his cheeks blush and raised his head to stare back at him, the idol seeming insecure as he had never seen him, nor in any show or program, because the one in front of him was much more than the singer in front of the cameras.

That was the guy he had fell for and with, with all that human and imperfect side that no fan could see, not really. He thought for an instant about that very first pic and realized he suddenly loved it even more, perfectly representing all the Chans he knew now, all the Chans he loved.

“I don’t think I like Victon’s Heo Chan so much anymore” he started after clearing his throat, pretending a calmness he definitely didn’t have “But I like you”

Chan smiled, dimples and eye smile like the first time he had seen him.

“So… would you like a date with me?”

*****

In the end, things changed.

Months had passed and then a whole year and college had finished, with all of his friends going on their own ways. No matter how hard they tried to keep their relationship as always, between endless strings of texts, Skype calls that were more bickering than anything else and their weekly dinner at their diner, they couldn’t see each other much, all living different lives and different careers. Some of them were still into K-Pop just as before – if the picture of San and Wooyoung kissing with a purple ocean meant something – while others just didn’t have the time anymore, the fansite @angelheo-ron being the first of many of their fan accounts to be put on rest, permanent or not.

As for Subin, _someone_ had shown his pictures to the managers of an entertainment and he had gotten a job (even if only starting as an assistant) in a studio that often worked with idols for their photoshoots and such.

Him and Chan had had a very awkward first date, but then they had hit it off quite well and soon he had met his group members as his boyfriend, finding out they were a bunch of funny and friendly morons, even more than they seemed.

Obviously there were things they couldn’t do, like being public or going out on dates in places where he’d risk being recognised, but they could talk just like before and cuddling in the photographer’s tiny apartment while watching sappy movies.

And, after all, considering all the sacrifices that life required, Subin could still say he was really happy he had gone to that one fansign that had changed his life.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> If you made it until here, congratulations! I'm not even sure how I managed to finish this, this story being way far out of my comfort zone due to its prompt and so definitely a challenge, but I really hope you enjoyed it, even if it turned out to be a bit different from what the prompt might have suggested (and a bit cheesier than I intended)  
> Also, sorry for the lack of Heo Chan (I swear he's my bias) but I thought it would be more interesting to explore Subin's mind and feelings in depth and that's why there is a lot of background before actually getting somewhere (which I hope don't really bore anyone)  
> For all the multifandom stans I hope you liked all the idols making an appearance every once and a while! I really didn't have a clear plan of how the story should develop and these characters guided me through it when I asked myself what they could do, especially the main ones  
> I did researches about them and ended up finding quotes like “My strength is that when I fall for one thing, I’ll cling to it until the end. My weakness is when I continue like that and get obsessed over it” and "I’d be too embarrassed to look at the other person’s face, so I’d say ‘I like you’ through a phone call” (both from Chan) which definitely influenced certain scenes  
> Once again, hope you enjoyed this and if you'd like to let me know what you think of it please comment!
> 
> P.S. Now that authors were revealed if you want to you can find me here: twitter.com/amnesiaL1996


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